Ripping Off the Band-Aid
by eswigag
Summary: "Now that Anna knew, Ruby knew she had to cut her losses. Focus." Anna/Ruby femslash. Set S4, after "The Rapture". Warning for in-universe character negativity (Ruby towards Castiel).


**Warnings for:** language.

* * *

 _I warned you,_ Ruby thought - distant, removed, detached, the way she should be, the way she was meant to be - as her phone buzzed, buzzed, buzzed with yet another ignored call. She had muted it as soon as Anna flew off. She told her not to go. Almost begged her. Anna hadn't listened. Of course not. She never did. She hadn't listened to God, for fuck's sake, she was never going to listen to Ruby. Ruby had been kidding herself for even thinking that maybe…

How many times had she told her? Who gave a shit about Castiel, why should she care if the other angels got him? Forget Anna's insistence on how "valuable" he was, in case Anna forgot, he was supposed to _kill_ her, she should be glad she didn't have to keep risking her life in their meet-ups.

"He wouldn't hurt me," Anna said firmly. Confidently. "He's loyal. He's the only angel in Heaven who'll listen to me. He's helping us. I _asked_ him to investigate, if he's in trouble because of me…" She trailed off, staring at nothing, already lost in her self-inflicted blame. No tears. Ruby hadn't seen her cry since the cabin. A lot had changed since then. _They_ had changed a lot since then.

"They're going to torture him," Anna said hollowly, and Ruby's eyes snapped to her in surprise. "He had been changing, he really had. Questioning, and thinking, and learning." She looked at Ruby with real grief. You'd think they were mourners at the creepy angel's funeral. If they were, Ruby would be throwing fucking flowers. "Ruby, this is my fault. It's all my fault. I tried helping him. I thought I was." She paused, corrected, "I know I was. But I guess I'm just… not as different from them as I thought. I used him, same way they did."

Okay, enough of that. Ruby rolled all the way over and pushed herself up one hand with a grunt of distaste, catching Anna's eye. "Listen, if he is in trouble, it's because he exposed _himself_. He agreed to play detective. He went into it knowing the risks. _He_ fucked up. And _he's_ done. Okay? His problem, not ours. Now we can't use him anymore. So we cut our losses and we focus on who we can save. This is a wake-up call. Time to _forget_ your Heaven conspiracy theories, Anna, we already got enough on our plate with Hell."

Good advice, right? Smart? Ruby thought so. Anna didn't. How was it that Ruby was the only one seeing the big picture here?

"He found something out, I know it," Anna had insisted. "Something he wasn't supposed to know, something they didn't want him to. Which means it was something _big_. And I'm gonna find out what. I can't save him, but I can make sure it wasn't for nothing."

 _Forget it,_ Ruby told herself, same as she'd told Anna then. Good advice. Smart. As always.

Didn't work. Anna hadn't listened, Anna left, Anna found out about Sam, and now Anna would have to stay gone. The way she would've had to, sooner or later, with the clock ticking down, the way Ruby should've pushed her out ages ago. Anna shouldn't matter anymore. She never should have, if Ruby was being honest. She should've just been for information. Angel whispers, Enochian secrets, and most importantly, _Lucifer_.

Anna hadn't played into Ruby's mission. Anna was slated for Alastair. That had been the plan.

What a waste that would've been.

Making split-second decisions to keep the plan afloat and her appearing to be on the Winchesters's side were essential to her being able to do her job, and Lilith had allowed her certain liberties in her task. Ruby justified her interference that way. She needed _something_ to make Sam listen to her again. Something big enough to push him back on track. She told herself that, and that wasn't untrue.

But damn it, she wanted to know. Curiosity killed the fucking cat, but here's what they don't tell you - satisfaction brought that dumb fuck back.

Ruby wanted just a taste. She wanted to see an angel while it was fallen, helpless, unable to attack and kill Ruby. Only able to give her a good look. Only able to give her information she could've never dreamed of. She planned to get her fill and go, freak show over, leave the angel to Alastair and his knife, leave Sam wishing he'd listened to her about his powers. Instead she found herself going to Alastair, Alastair and _her own knife_ , dangling herself like raw meat in front of a rabid dog, enduring hours of Hell on Alastair's rack that felt like years, all to save Anna from Alastair and the angels. For Sam's plan, not Lilith's. Ruby couldn't honestly say that she regretted it, or that she should have kept her nose out of it, but she thought maybe she should've left Anna with Winchesters and Friends instead of agreeing to keep playing babysitter to the angel with broken wings. It would've been much easier that way. Simpler.

But then she wouldn't have this. Look. _Look!_ Proof of how much an _angel_ felt for her. An ugly, nasty, lying demon. 67 missed calls. 48 voicemails. 31 texts. And counting. You know what that spells? That spells D-E-S-P-E-R-A-T-I-O-N. B-E-T-R-A-Y-A-L. Say it ain't so, but oh baby, it is. Ruby didn't even listen to the voicemails. Didn't even read the texts. She promised herself she wouldn't. Now that Anna knew, Ruby knew she finally had to cut her losses. Focus. It was the final stretch, it all hung by a thread, so, so terrifyingly close to being ruined. Ruby had to make it all go off perfectly. She couldn't do that with an angel on her shoulder, in her bed.

She had muted her phone. Still, she kept it on. Call it morbid curiosity. Call her a masochist.

But every call, every text meant that she - she, her, Ruby - meant something to someone. Someone who didn't care wouldn't keep calling. Someone who hated you wouldn't keep texting you. Not for hours and hours. Trying again and again, trying so hard to make contact even though by now, Anna must know Ruby wouldn't answer.

It hurt in the best possible way. Anna's pain, Ruby's pain. It was real. _They_ were real. This was proof. Ruby finally had _proof_ that Anna loved her.

 _Please, please, please,_ the phone whimpered. _Ruby, please, pick up, listen to me._

 _No can do, doll._

Ruby knew how it'd go. She knew what Anna was leaving in the voice mailbox, what words she sent off. _Ruby, please, listen. It's not too late. You can stop this. You're better than this. I know what you've been hiding and I still believe in you. I know you think you're doing the smart thing, but you can't do this to Sam. You need to stop. You need to stop. You need to stop._

Not that Anna knew all of it and oh man, did Ruby look forward to the day she would. Fuck, what a thrill that would be. How terrifyingly, dizzyingly _freeing_ it would be, for Anna to finally know all of her the way she knew all of Anna. For Ruby to finally be able to really talk to her, talk to her about what she burned to talk to her about, to be able to explain herself and make Anna _see_. She would understand, Ruby knew she would. Anna was different from the rest of them, she was fallen too. She already knew that God and Heaven were full of shit, that they lied and used and judged. She already understood that Ruby had suffered, that Ruby deserved salvation too. She just needed to realize that Lucifer was like her, had always been like her, had been slandered and punished for the right thing the way Anna had, that Lucifer was the only one who would fight for them all - including Anna and Ruby. Ruby could convince her. She could. She was right and Anna would see that, Anna would realize…

Then this lying could end. Anna wouldn't be upset anymore. They could go back to before. _Better_ than before. Completely honest this time.

 _Just a little longer, Anna,_ Ruby promised. _It'll be over soon._ As soon as she could. Get the worst part over with so they could begin to start being honest with each other. Like ripping off a Band-Aid.

 _Trust me,_ Ruby prayed, _you just have to trust me. You said you did. Just trust me, just a little longer. It'll be okay. This is for the best. It won't be the end, it'll be the beginning. We can finally have the world you always wanted. No rules, just freedom. Everyone is forgiven. Everyone is saved. You'll thank me._

 _You'll thank me._

 _Trust me._


End file.
